Rainbow Wings

In or Out

2005-04-05T03:07:26Z

guess there's something wrong with me
guess i don't fit in
no one wants to touch it
no one knows where to begin

~Ani D

in a culture so heavily-dependant on interpersonal relationships...

2005-04-05T03:00:16Z

hmmmmmmm...
What's left if you can't connect with those around you?

talking to someone

2005-04-05T02:50:31Z

talking to someone and found myself feeling not deserving of them.
so this time i allowed myself to take a step back and see what was *really* going on...
... so i'm having difficulty feeling deserving of someone who can care enough to listen and remember...?

******

I'm having difficulty mattering to someone.
But at the same time, it sucks being with people where I feel I *don't*

And then....

2005-02-27T14:53:58Z

So, this weekend is my two ani difranco concerts. One was last night and one will be tonight. WHEEE!!! SO... exciting!

Anyway, LuLu and I are standing inbetween the doors at the theatre, waiting to be let in when I get a tackle hug.... from MELISSA, who wasn't planning on being at either of the (sold out) concerts! Yeah... anyway, well, I have tons to say, it's just all so weird... I'll write about it later.

a bunch of stuff...

2005-02-14T23:32:55Z

So, I just picked up a ton more hours at work... its SO exciting ... I LOVE my job... the one that I still have... working with children who have autism. It's so rewarding.

What else? oooh... I got out of a parallel parking spot today. :-) I was so proud of myself :-p

*hmmph* I really want to purge right now... just ate, and not so happy about it... and know i'm going to eat again with lulu tonight (my choice) *sigh*

i was going to say a couple of other things, but i forgot... oh well :(

oh... i know... i get to see lulu tonight .. :-)... wasn't going to... but i get to :-) yay!

she hugged me!

2005-02-08T13:02:23Z

So, I had to drive LuLu to the airport. And because I can, I got myself a (free) ticket (:-p) so I could get through security. I waited with her until her plane came a couple of hours later. And, we sat and talked... and did a couple of these quotation puzzles... and then as she was about to board, I went to wave good bye, thinking that's what she'd want... and she leaned in and hugged me! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)!!!!!!!!

Kissing Jessica Stein

2005-02-05T20:17:06Z

I feel like Helen in Kissing Jessica Stein... with the girlfriend who won't acknowlege me around others... I mean, she does... her cousins know that I'm her girlfriend... but I can't hold her hand... and it's really really bugging me... hurts.

neopets giggle giggle

2005-02-05T17:30:38Z

So, this is for all you neopets-players out there... noone else would really understand my excitement...

so, i got a random event of a secret laboratory map piece (one i didn't yet have).

and then, i won 10,000 NPs on the wheel of excitement.

both within a half-hour! :-)

So, i'm a bit excited :-p (and i get to see lulu -- not neopets related... so that's making me even MORE excited...)

bookstore job

2005-02-03T12:35:57Z

So, I decided that I'm quitting my bookstore job. I'm sick of the way its run. I'm sick of being treated like shit. I'm sick of hating my job - I used to like working there... up until a couple of months ago. So, I'm deciding to quit. When my manager is back in town (next week), I'm going to let her know. Give her a two-week's notice.

how i'm feeling

2005-02-01T17:46:53Z

first i looked it is as anxious.
then added unmotivated on there.

but, now, i'm getting more and more disconnected/distant. I feel so strange right now.

Knuckle Down

2005-01-31T14:13:38Z

Knuckle Down: Ani DiFranco's new CD:
So, I've been listening to this basically non-stop: in the car, at my computer, in LuLu's car... LOL... I got it last Friday (about a week-and-a-half ago now) and I've listened to it at least 50 times... that's being REALLY conservative with my guess. ...

Speaking of Conservative, VA is trying to pass one of those "ban gay marriage" laws *Grrrrrrrr* ... i guess they're trying to pass 'em everywhere, though, eh?

email about Rainbow Wings :-)

2005-01-31T04:56:43Z

So, I posted "Rainbow Wings" a few weeks ago in here.

Since, I've entered it in Windows, my school's fine arts magazine and sent it to Nancy, the executive director of QYC, the GLBT youth group I go to, to see if she'd like it in the newsletter that gets sent out periodically.
Well, here's an email I got from Carolyn, the site director:

Hi Jamie,

Nancy and I had lunch today and she told me how moved she was by your poem and I asked her to send it to me. This is so very beautiful and powerful. I was wondering if I could share it with some of my friends - if that is okay with you (and it's really okay if you are not comfortable with it), how would you like me to address the issue of your being the author? I could say it's from one of our youth leaders or would you want part of all of your name used? This is REALLY good... you are obviously very talented.

A very moved
Carolyn

Last Friday

2005-01-28T16:10:11Z

Here's the events of last Friday, the day where my week started to look up.

So, it started off crummy, following a week of completely crummy, scary, break-down days.
And I had to force myself to eat my container of yogurt... and nearly cried through it, but I did it... and I didn't purge..

And then I talked to this girl, Lauren, who also has an eating disorder. And well, she threw back at me some words I said to her...somthing along the lines of "I feel so much better now that I'm recovered" and it just put me in a bit of a better space.

And then I decided I was gonig to go grocery shopping, as the plans were to cook on Sunday. And then I scared myself out of it...
BUT THEN... I became determined to go... and I went...
:-) And it was alright.... :-) I did it... I didn't even need to call LuLu or anything! :-)

*Sigh* SO... I treated myself to a Billy Joel CD... and then just for shits and grins I decided to check and see if B&N had "Render", Ani's first DVD... and THEY DID!!!!!!!!!!! So I bought it. I brought it home (STILL haven't watched it (blush)) and looked in the mailbox to find a package from RBR (Righteous Babe Records, Ani's lable)!! It was Kunckle Down, her new cd that I had pre-ordered! I didn't htink it came out till mid-Feb! I guess I was wrong ;-)

AND THEN... I Had a Bulls game that I went to with LuLu :-) and the plan was to spend the night... so I did.
But, then we got snowed in the next day... so I spent the night again.. oh DAMN! ;-) lol

Yes, that was my weekend.

poetry

2005-01-21T11:59:02Z

Here's a poem called "Rainbow Wings" that I wrote in 2002 and just found. I figured it was fitting as that's the name of my journal on here!

"Rainbow Wings"
Floating free
With wings of a butterfly
Decorated boldly
By the rainbow up high

Softly continues
To float, but alone.
Rejecteed - not accepted
By the others who've flown

Different than birds
And others in the sky
The butterfly, though safe,
Brings the rest of them fright.

Hated for difference,
But yet still the same.
Whoever made up
The rules of this "game"?!???

I hope in the future
The butterfly, so sweet
Could be accepted with its beauty
With differences not seen.

And here's a new one:

"Musings on a Tree"
Outside my window
A tree stands, unwavering.
There calmness must be -
But not inside me.

Oh how I long
Long to be that tree:
Stable. secure.
Able to flex, to give
Without snapping,
Breaking, falling.

But me:
I crumble under pressure.
I stumble when its rocky.

The tree, bare and exposed
Is at peace.
While I stand
Attempting to hide.
To hide my all
From me, from you.
Ashamed.

Outside my window
A tree stands, unwavering.
Oh how I long
Long to be that tree

bad body image day

2005-01-17T16:09:36Z

My pants don't fit right... but honestly it might be just because i haven't worn them in a while and don't remember how they used to fit... or maybe its because they need time to stretch after putting them on... you know?

but... regardless... its REALLY REALLY REALLY bothering me today!
I don't want to eat. I don't deserve it.

I called LuLu and she's condoning that. I mean, first she told me that if I don 't eat I'll be sick... and I have to think about that... but she's like, "it's your choice" ... and I argued... and she's like "just eat something... a crumb of a cookie, a piece of fruit, yogurt." and I argued and she's like "its your choice, but I'd recommend eating something: a piece of bread that you pick at the whole day and that can be your meals for the day" and I don't know... I KNOW that's not healthy.

Oh, i just remembered somethign... I have to call the someone from the edp (eating disorder program) to get info about equine therapy (tomorrow). so, maybe i can talk to her... but do i want to? no. not really.
oh well.

just one day... i'll reconsider eating tomorrow.

great insight!

2005-01-16T22:20:12Z

So, I was at therapy...
and saying how I don't feel I deserve LuLu and her acceptance, love, compassion, respect...
and how I don't understand, in my egocentric views, how she could like me, as I hate myself...
and well, he said the greatest thing:
you're not dating yourself...
so you don't have to be YOUR type...
you have to be HER type.

And I've been thinking about that ... it's really really helping me... :-)

To LuLu

2005-01-14T18:45:40Z

A poem I wrote for LuLu:

"To LuLu"

I stand, waiting
Eyes focused, watching for you
To come and greet me

Heart dancing in my chest
As I wait for you
Knowing that I'll be in peace
With you by my side

Knowing that for a moment
An evening
I'll be appreciated
I'll be respected
I'll be loved

And I can begin
to be appreciated
to be respected
to be loved
by me
For you show me
That it's okay

And I see
that I give the same
gift to you,
sweet LuLu

I put it in the little box that I gave her... she loved it.

You can rate and review it HERE:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/926607

stuff

2005-01-14T18:43:06Z

i know i KNOW... i've been neglecting my poor lj.

so, here's an entry.

wednesday was a month with LuLu (Jamie) and I. :-D... I bought her this box that I got engraved that she could put little letters I write in... or stuff...
here's a link to a picture of it:
http://www.thingsremembered.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10001_10001_501910_-1_

She got me a bunch of stuff...
It was a nice day...
except for the fact that I sorta broke down during our time together... and concerned her greatly. Feel really guilty about that...
but we've sinced talked about what was going on that night... and it's calmed her fears... and mine.

uhhhh.. what else? i'm still at lewis... mircaluously. i shouldn't be here... b/c i didn't meet either of the req's to keep my scholarship. :( oh well... i'll do better... try to at least.

oh oh... i'm going to see Andrea and Aerin tonight... I'm excited! Check out Aerin's music here:
www.aerintedesco.com
they're a local duo... very good!!!!!!!!
If anyone's interested, it's $7.
It starts at 9pm
And is at
1638 W. Belmont in Chicago.

jamie (aka lulu)

2005-01-08T14:17:09Z

just wanted to let you all knowt hat things are still going well with jamie, whom i now call lulu as her middle name is lou and it was just too weird calling her jamie.

later.

school

2005-01-08T14:04:50Z

i haven't written lately... here's some thoughts i have on the matteR: why write about life if writing is so permanent and life is so fluid? it's fine to talk about the past and possiblly the present... but i'm a little weary about writing about future events right now because everything is so up in hte air.
take this week for instance:
i went from plans of going to the same school i've been going to and being frustrated with thoughts of not.
to... plans of taking a semester off...
to... plans of taking a semester at community college and then transferring to ...?
to... plans of finishing one more semester at the school i've been going to and then transferrring to ...?
to... plans of staying at my school and applying for the "special ed teacher scholarship" next year so i don't have to worry about my school-given scholarhip.

seeing someone :-)

2004-12-20T16:07:31Z

so, I'm seeing someone :-) *giggles* don't know what to say about her...
her name's jamie... lol how ironic is THAT?!

uhm... we went to see The Incredibles yesterday... :-) It was fun.

we're going to watch the L word together on saturday or something... :-) hehe

letter from my boss -- given to me on Wednesday

2004-12-12T05:08:44Z

I got this letter from my boss at the bookstore job. It was given to my mom to give to me.
Here's what it said:

Bookstore Work Ethics

1. No cell phone use in store.
2. No personal calls at work (family excluded, of course.)
3. No "personal" computer use - on slow days school work must be done in front of store including typing.
4. Absolutly no visitors that "hang around."
5. No lunch breaks with car. The store must stay "open."
6. No disrespect for "anyone" hired at the store. Employees should never be asked questions.

Jamie, you ahve a job to do and it must be treated as one. I know you've had a rough semester and I haven't said too much. Coming to work after you've read this assumres me you will accept these terms. Andy and I feel they are reasonable and the same "all" employees follow at our other 2 stores.

Nanci

Well, I can tell you it left me in a really BAD spot. Very suicidal. It really sucked to have so much lumped together and to have it written so negatively. Especially that Number 6. It's insinuating that I've disrespected people... With further thought, there is only one thing I can think of that may even come CLOSE to disrespect... but I don't think it is. And that was the week before (I think.) We were supposed to be receiving a shipment of books, well, two... and we did. Well, there was a guy that was supposed to help come unload the truck. A friend (of the managers), I was told (by Brenda, the other person who was working that day.) Well, the delivery guy got there earlier than we expected, so the man who was to help wasn't there in time to unload the first part of the shipment (luckily the Yellow guy helped... :-D)... Anyway, after the boxes were unloaded, the man who came to help stayed around. I felt really guilty because here I was getting paid to be here, and here he was, a friend of the family, not... and just watching us do stuff while he could be doing something much more exciting... And then, Brenda asked him to help us move some of the books that were on the shelves from last semestere to their new positions. So, I asked Brenda, at one, point "Is he getting paid to be here?" because, like I said, I felt guilty about him still being there. She told me that Andy had helped him... they had like swapped. So, if that's disrespect, I'm SOR-ry... Didn't mean it to be. It really hurts to be thought of as disrespectful... I'll have to talk to her about it.

Actually, thinking of bringing up many of the things in here. Many people suggest that I do.
Like the cell phone thing... Never has it been said a THING about before... and its not like I'm on my cell phone all too often... at all.
Phone calls: she at one point said I can have calls as long as they were incoming. And I've been very respectful about that. :-)
The computer issue, yes I agree with... fine. She HAS mentioned that before.
The visitors... I had one person (again the week before getting this letter.) We went to eat. And actually when I got back, Brenda told me to eat. I told her I already did and she seemed quite surprised (that I had eaten so quickly!) What the FUCK is the difference if I eat with someone or not... my job's still getting done... and I can understand noone hanging around if its busy, but when there's a customer every couple hours, what's the difference... as long as I do every task assigned to me... right? Fucker!
And the car thing... she actually told me before that I could go out to get lunch... when I said I was just going to one of the restraunts in the shopping centre, she seemed kinda shocked... what the fuck?! And she JUST bought a "out till..." sign... whatever.

Well, I just needed to get that out... Any suggestions on how to deal/what to say/how to bring things up and be able to handle it?!???

HOLIDAY WISHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-11-30T20:35:46Z

:Step One

- Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

- If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you. [Note: Your home address is not required!]

- Also, make sure you post some version of these guidelines in your LJ, or link to this post (it'll be public) so that the holiday joy will spread.

Step Two

- Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.

You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

My wishes:

1. a watch
2. a special someone to go to the Ani concert with in February
3. a Teagan and Sarah CD
4. "Tipping the Velvet" -- the movie, not the book
5. "Render: Spanning Time with Ani DiFranco" on DVD
6. "Little Plastic Remixes" (Ani DiFranco's record)
7. mint body wash from the Body Shop
8. a trip to Europe
9. a book of bulliten board suggestions or other teaching tips and ideas
10. buttons with random slogans/pictures to put on my jacket

email: rainbowfairywings@yahoo.com

struggling with food

2004-11-30T20:17:26Z

having a hard time with food today. I just ate lunch and I feel so gross. :( not cool.
because of this, i "got out of" my sign class today, as its "food day" where we each bring in food and sign how we made the recipie.

I'll be HERE tomorrow...

2004-11-27T17:45:29Z

aerin and andrea's little post-holiday show on sunday, november
28 at 4pm at cafe boost, 5400 n clark in chicago!
joining them will be their good friend and superb songwriter/poet arjuna
greist!
and local folkies third wheel!
there's no cover

... okay that sounds weird because I copy/pasted it from an email I got... and changed the pronouns... hehe

But, sounds fun.
folk rocks