Jamie

10:07 pm: In or Out
guess there's something wrong with me
guess i don't fit in
no one wants to touch it
no one knows where to begin

~Ani D

09:58 pm: in a culture so heavily-dependant on interpersonal relationships...
hmmmmmmm...
What's left if you can't connect with those around you?

09:47 pm: talking to someone
talking to someone and found myself feeling not deserving of them.
so this time i allowed myself to take a step back and see what was *really* going on...
... so i'm having difficulty feeling deserving of someone who can care enough to listen and remember...?

******

I'm having difficulty mattering to someone.
But at the same time, it sucks being with people where I feel I *don't*

08:51 am: And then....
So, this weekend is my two ani difranco concerts. One was last night and one will be tonight. WHEEE!!! SO... exciting!

Anyway, LuLu and I are standing inbetween the doors at the theatre, waiting to be let in when I get a tackle hug.... from MELISSA, who wasn't planning on being at either of the (sold out) concerts! Yeah... anyway, well, I have tons to say, it's just all so weird... I'll write about it later.

05:12 pm: a bunch of stuff...
So, I just picked up a ton more hours at work... its SO exciting ... I LOVE my job... the one that I still have... working with children who have autism. It's so rewarding.

What else? oooh... I got out of a parallel parking spot today. :-) I was so proud of myself :-p

*hmmph* I really want to purge right now... just ate, and not so happy about it... and know i'm going to eat again with lulu tonight (my choice) *sigh*

i was going to say a couple of other things, but i forgot... oh well :(

oh... i know... i get to see lulu tonight .. :-)... wasn't going to... but i get to :-) yay!

06:59 am: she hugged me!
So, I had to drive LuLu to the airport. And because I can, I got myself a (free) ticket (:-p) so I could get through security. I waited with her until her plane came a couple of hours later. And, we sat and talked... and did a couple of these quotation puzzles... and then as she was about to board, I went to wave good bye, thinking that's what she'd want... and she leaned in and hugged me! :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)!!!!!!!!

02:16 pm: Kissing Jessica Stein
I feel like Helen in Kissing Jessica Stein... with the girlfriend who won't acknowlege me around others... I mean, she does... her cousins know that I'm her girlfriend... but I can't hold her hand... and it's really really bugging me... hurts.

11:27 am: neopets *giggle giggle*
So, this is for all you neopets-players out there... noone else would really understand my excitement...

so, i got a random event of a secret laboratory map piece (one i didn't yet have).

and then, i won 10,000 NPs on the wheel of excitement.

both within a half-hour! :-)

So, i'm a bit excited :-p (and i get to see lulu -- not neopets related... so that's making me even MORE excited...)

06:34 am: bookstore job
So, I decided that I'm quitting my bookstore job. I'm sick of the way its run. I'm sick of being treated like shit. I'm sick of hating my job - I used to like working there... up until a couple of months ago. So, I'm deciding to quit. When my manager is back in town (next week), I'm going to let her know. Give her a two-week's notice.

11:44 am: how i'm feeling
first i looked it is as anxious.
then added unmotivated on there.

but, now, i'm getting more and more disconnected/distant. I feel so strange right now.

08:10 am: Knuckle Down
Knuckle Down: Ani DiFranco's new CD:
So, I've been listening to this basically non-stop: in the car, at my computer, in LuLu's car... LOL... I got it last Friday (about a week-and-a-half ago now) and I've listened to it at least 50 times... that's being REALLY conservative with my guess. ...

Speaking of Conservative, VA is trying to pass one of those "ban gay marriage" laws *Grrrrrrrr* ... i guess they're trying to pass 'em everywhere, though, eh?

10:53 pm: email about Rainbow Wings :-)
So, I posted "Rainbow Wings" a few weeks ago in here.

Since, I've entered it in Windows, my school's fine arts magazine and sent it to Nancy, the executive director of QYC, the GLBT youth group I go to, to see if she'd like it in the newsletter that gets sent out periodically.
Well, here's an email I got from Carolyn, the site director:

Hi Jamie,

Nancy and I had lunch today and she told me how moved she was by your poem and I asked her to send it to me. This is so very beautiful and powerful. I was wondering if I could share it with some of my friends - if that is okay with you (and it's really okay if you are not comfortable with it), how would you like me to address the issue of your being the author? I could say it's from one of our youth leaders or would you want part of all of your name used? This is REALLY good... you are obviously very talented.

A very moved
Carolyn

09:54 am: Last Friday
Here's the events of last Friday, the day where my week started to look up.

So, it started off crummy, following a week of completely crummy, scary, break-down days.
And I had to force myself to eat my container of yogurt... and nearly cried through it, but I did it... and I didn't purge..

And then I talked to this girl, Lauren, who also has an eating disorder. And well, she threw back at me some words I said to her...somthing along the lines of "I feel so much better now that I'm recovered" and it just put me in a bit of a better space.

And then I decided I was gonig to go grocery shopping, as the plans were to cook on Sunday. And then I scared myself out of it...
BUT THEN... I became determined to go... and I went...
:-) And it was alright.... :-) I did it... I didn't even need to call LuLu or anything! :-)

*Sigh* SO... I treated myself to a Billy Joel CD... and then just for shits and grins I decided to check and see if B&N had "Render", Ani's first DVD... and THEY DID!!!!!!!!!!! So I bought it. I brought it home (STILL haven't watched it (blush)) and looked in the mailbox to find a package from RBR (Righteous Babe Records, Ani's lable)!! It was Kunckle Down, her new cd that I had pre-ordered! I didn't htink it came out till mid-Feb! I guess I was wrong ;-)

AND THEN... I Had a Bulls game that I went to with LuLu :-) and the plan was to spend the night... so I did.
But, then we got snowed in the next day... so I spent the night again.. oh DAMN! ;-) lol

Yes, that was my weekend.

05:56 am: poetry
Here's a poem called "Rainbow Wings" that I wrote in 2002 and just found. I figured it was fitting as that's the name of my journal on here!

"Rainbow Wings"
Floating free
With wings of a butterfly
Decorated boldly
By the rainbow up high

Softly continues
To float, but alone.
Rejecteed - not accepted
By the others who've flown

Different than birds
And others in the sky
The butterfly, though safe,
Brings the rest of them fright.

Hated for difference,
But yet still the same.
Whoever made up
The rules of this "game"?!???

I hope in the future
The butterfly, so sweet
Could be accepted with its beauty
With differences not seen.



And here's a new one:

"Musings on a Tree"
Outside my window
A tree stands, unwavering.
There calmness must be -
But not inside me.

Oh how I long
Long to be that tree:
Stable. secure.
Able to flex, to give
Without snapping,
Breaking, falling.

But me:
I crumble under pressure.
I stumble when its rocky.

The tree, bare and exposed
Is at peace.
While I stand
Attempting to hide.
To hide my all
From me, from you.
Ashamed.

Outside my window
A tree stands, unwavering.
Oh how I long
Long to be that tree

10:03 am: bad body image day
My pants don't fit right... but honestly it might be just because i haven't worn them in a while and don't remember how they used to fit... or maybe its because they need time to stretch after putting them on... you know?

but... regardless... its REALLY REALLY REALLY bothering me today!
I don't want to eat. I don't deserve it.

I called LuLu and she's condoning that. I mean, first she told me that if I don 't eat I'll be sick... and I have to think about that... but she's like, "it's your choice" ... and I argued... and she's like "just eat something... a crumb of a cookie, a piece of fruit, yogurt." and I argued and she's like "its your choice, but I'd recommend eating something: a piece of bread that you pick at the whole day and that can be your meals for the day" and I don't know... I KNOW that's not healthy.

Oh, i just remembered somethign... I have to call the someone from the edp (eating disorder program) to get info about equine therapy (tomorrow). so, maybe i can talk to her... but do i want to? no. not really.
oh well.

just one day... i'll reconsider eating tomorrow.

04:18 pm: great insight!
So, I was at therapy...
and saying how I don't feel I deserve LuLu and her acceptance, love, compassion, respect...
and how I don't understand, in my egocentric views, how she could like me, as I hate myself...
and well, he said the greatest thing:
you're not dating yourself...
so you don't have to be YOUR type...
you have to be HER type.

And I've been thinking about that ... it's really really helping me... :-)

12:43 pm: To LuLu
A poem I wrote for LuLu:

"To LuLu"

I stand, waiting
Eyes focused, watching for you
To come and greet me

Heart dancing in my chest
As I wait for you
Knowing that I'll be in peace
With you by my side

Knowing that for a moment
An evening
I'll be appreciated
I'll be respected
I'll be loved

And I can begin
to be appreciated
to be respected
to be loved
by me
For you show me
That it's okay

And I see
that I give the same
gift to you,
sweet LuLu

I put it in the little box that I gave her... she loved it.

You can rate and review it HERE:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/926607

12:32 pm: stuff
i know i KNOW... i've been neglecting my poor lj.

so, here's an entry.

wednesday was a month with LuLu (Jamie) and I. :-D... I bought her this box that I got engraved that she could put little letters I write in... or stuff...
here's a link to a picture of it:
http://www.thingsremembered.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product_10001_10001_501910_-1_

She got me a bunch of stuff...
It was a nice day...
except for the fact that I sorta broke down during our time together... and concerned her greatly. Feel really guilty about that...
but we've sinced talked about what was going on that night... and it's calmed her fears... and mine.

uhhhh.. what else? i'm still at lewis... mircaluously. i shouldn't be here... b/c i didn't meet either of the req's to keep my scholarship. :( oh well... i'll do better... try to at least.

oh oh... i'm going to see Andrea and Aerin tonight... I'm excited! Check out Aerin's music here:
www.aerintedesco.com
they're a local duo... very good!!!!!!!!
If anyone's interested, it's $7.
It starts at 9pm
And is at
1638 W. Belmont in Chicago.

08:13 am: jamie (aka lulu)
just wanted to let you all knowt hat things are still going well with jamie, whom i now call lulu as her middle name is lou and it was just too weird calling her jamie.

later.

08:01 am: school
i haven't written lately... here's some thoughts i have on the matteR: why write about life if writing is so permanent and life is so fluid? it's fine to talk about the past and possiblly the present... but i'm a little weary about writing about future events right now because everything is so up in hte air.
take this week for instance:
i went from plans of going to the same school i've been going to and being frustrated with thoughts of not.
to... plans of taking a semester off...
to... plans of taking a semester at community college and then transferring to ...?
to... plans of finishing one more semester at the school i've been going to and then transferrring to ...?
to... plans of staying at my school and applying for the "special ed teacher scholarship" next year so i don't have to worry about my school-given scholarhip.